I’m sat at the train station now waiting to be whisked off on my very own little adventure, away from the bearded one and the pesky kids that, in spite of how much I love and adore them, have been driving me around the bend of late, and I’m pondering over the journey I’ve been on over the last year, from battling the black dog and drunken misery, through the confusion of early sobriety, to the point that I now find myself at.
I’ve transformed myself completely from the wreck that I was just 9 months ago. It feels like such a short space of time to have experienced all of the different changes that I have and to have learnt so much about myself that I was missing for all these years.
Right now I feel like I’m right where I want to be in every way; physically, emotionally, mentally and morally. Which makes me wonder what will drive me forward now.
For the last year the driving force of my sobriety has been a determined mission for self improvement. I’m slimmer and fitter than I’ve ever been. My happiness levels are higher than they’ve ever been. My conscience is clear from not sabotaging myself on a regular basis. I trust my own judgement and choices, and for the first time in my life I feel worthy of all that I have, and maybe even a little more.
It’s been a hard slog to get here, a beast of a mountain to climb, and the way that I see it is that I’ve earned a little sit down. I’ve been burning rubber at the gym, volunteering myself for all sorts of outings and activities, constantly reading sobriety and mindfulness material, and just generally working on myself on a constant basis.
If I’m honest, I’m starting to feel tired. I need some time to relax and find my way into my sober future without the constant obsession for self improvement now. Of course I’ll keep checking in with the amazing folk on the sobriety social media groups who have helped me get to this point of epic self empowerment, but I’m going to read a good old fashioned fiction, and I’m going to cut down the exercise a tad to maintain rather than lose, and I’m going to think about what I now want for my future now that I’ve found my sober feet.
I used to model, and I loved it. I was at my peak approximately 5 years ago, and was aware I was drinking too much but wouldn’t acknowledge it. The 4 years following would see my drinking become heavier than ever before in my life, with the last year nearly killing me off. As a result I got fat, lost confidence and couldn’t model. I tried to convince myself that I had just tired of modelling. But the truth was that I had loved it. It had been something that made me feel powerful, and something that was just for me away from my role of mum and wife (unappreciated skivvy 😉). Drinking had pushed me away from something I’d loved, and further into the wicked teeth of the black dog.
Today I’m dipping my toe back in the water of modelling. I’m off to Birmingham to shoot with a photographer and make up artist who I’ve admired for a long time. I’m excited and nervous and thrilled to be feeling all these feelings absorbed in my sober brain and body.
Towards the end of my modelling days I was drunk for every shoot. Highly unprofessional and dangerous considering how I was rendering myself vulnerable in the company of male photographers, some of which were strangers to me. I needed the booze to give me the confidence to model. How awful that I had lost the vibrant girl that had found the love for shooting at dramatic locations, for weird and wonderful artwork and creating sensual, and sometimes utterly bizarre, photos. The high I used to feel after a damn good shoot was awesome, and would keep my mood up for days after. But I lost it, I lost me.
I have worked hard rediscovering the girl who knows what she wants and goes out and gets it. I’m back, and I’m going for what I want and need to make me happy. Come at me life! I’m ready for ya!
Always makes me giggle. And it’s totally relevant for how I feel today 😂
Shoot complete! It was great!
Here I am on the right with the photographer on the left and the makeup artist in the middle.
Truly wonderful girls, we had a blast and I’m so excited to see the results of our creativity 😊
I also got a pressie! Still haven’t opened it yet 😂
Anticipation is half the fun! 😂
I managed to get away with sitting in first class on the train most of the way home. Moved to standard seating when I saw the ticket lady approaching 😂
Looking forward to getting snuggled into my pyjamas, and scoffing toast and hot chocolate when I get home. Back in my drinking days I would have got smashed on the train on the way home to congratulate myself on only having a couple before the shoot, and I would have had bleary eyes for the duration of the shoot.
Yep. Sober life is a million times better than that shit.
Nothing beats a good natural high!
10pm Update on the update!
Look what I got in my goody bag from the shoot as a thankyou!! I was not expecting so much. I feel like the universe is actively rewarding me for all of my hard work over the last 9 months. This truly is the perfect end to an incredible day. I love every item and feel thoroughly spoiled!
*great big elated grin on my sleepy satisfied face 😊