I hardly slept at all last night and today I feel shaky, hot faced, and bleary eyed with heavy brain fog. Very reminiscent of hangovers from the thankfully distant past. 3 years and 7 months to the day since my last booze hangover in fact. Unfortunately sleep deprived hangovers still feature regularly in my life.
It’s all completely irrational, which makes it extra infuriating. Here is the evidence that I’m still a neurotic human;
I got this amazing news yesterday (see pic) from the circus academy where I do pole dance and fitness. I am honestly having the time of my life doing these mixed classes 3 times a week. Every session is completely different and I’ve met the most incredible people, many of which have battled their own particular demons and won thanks to the all consuming nature of the aerial arts. I’m completely in love with the studio, the instructors and the people I train with there. Just the smell of hand chalk sends an excited thrill through me because of the association with rewarding killer sessions, both on and off the pole.
My brain being what it is; cynical and irrational; I almost immediately bypassed the pleased excited feeling of being praised publicly, and moved on to the critical analysis of how and why this is not a positive thing. Firstly, I started panicking that my wonderful blossoming relationships with the other women that I train with may be jeopardised. The last thing I want is for anyone to feel bitter or weird towards me for being singled out. I posted on social media thanking my instructors and my new friends while quietly worrying I may be ostracised by my new friends.
Then, in the dark long hours of my sleepness night, I managed to convince myself that my instructors have given me this because I’m really shit at pole and they don’t want me to lose heart and quit. I am afterall, a paying customer.
So here I am. Blood shot watery eyed, feeling sorry for myself. The fact I’m feeling sorry for myself for potentially made up reasons is making me feel angry at myself. It’s all very conflicting. And I’m aware this is all badly articulated because I’m so tired that the words can’t flow. But I needed to post cos I’m wobbly. Proper wobbly. Not wobbly in the way that I want to drink. But better to get these things out of my system lest they fester and turn malicious.
Anyway. At least I’m not in one of the ridiculously long petrol station queues. The world has gone mental. No way am I watching the news today. I feel morbid enough without the push of impending doom.
Love you all. Thanks for letting me rant.